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English Jokes


A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced himself and asked if he could be of any help.

"Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive, happy for a chance to help the boss.

The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies."


A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."


Some take longer.....

A man and a women walk into a bar and order a drink for everyperson in the bar. They are very happy. When the bar-tender asks them why they are so happy, they reply:

'We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months'.

'Two months?' the bar-tender exclaimed, 'it's not supposed to take that long.'

'That's not true,' said the woman, 'it said 2 to 4 years on the box.'


Ticket Please....

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement!!!???"


Penguins in the Back of his Car

There was a guy driving down the road with two penguins in the back of his car.

A policeman pulled him over and said, "I suggest you take these penguins to the zoo."

The man took a look at the penguins, and then agreed. The next day the same guy,  still with the two penguins in his car, got pulled over by the same cop.

The cop said, "Hey Buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man looked at him proudly and said, "I did, I'm taking them to the park today!"

@


A Graduate Student

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"


Bad Day

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at  the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"


Bye Mom

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


Man and Woman

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."


Big Man in a Small Town

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turnedto the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone


Dentist

Tom: "What made you leave the dentist's office?"

Ted: "I heard the assistant say to relax, it's only a tooth we're pulling'".

Tom: "Ok, so why didn't  you relax and get it pulled?"

Ted: "Cause she was talking to the dentist".



Ten

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

"Eight..."

@


Two Assassins

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator......

10 minutes later........ no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."


Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our

invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by

that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did

write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."


Bad Math

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."


Legal Fee's

A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's

rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions.

The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive"

"Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"


Vacation

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

4 April 2000


Afraid of Flying

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly.

Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably,and apparently crying.

"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen

someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man.

"Then what's the matter?

Sobbing loudly he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."


Whats My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


My Acheing Tooth

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."



Flood

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.


Good Reason

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Three Bottles

3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window.

When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.
"


Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"


You Are Too Kind !!

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating

grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."


Rejoice Forever

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands.

Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do.

So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slaps her.


Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."


Words About Marriage...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

--

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

--

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

--

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."

The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

--

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied,"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

--

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

--

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

--

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

--

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

--

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

--

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

--

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

--

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

--

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

--

During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

--

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

--

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.


Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."


Competition

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'


My Point, Exactly

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief,

"Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"My point, exactly."


Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."


Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"


Congratulations

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."


Mightiest of all jungle animals

Lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, stomped on him until he looks like a corn tortilla, crapped on him, and ambled away.

The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


Rechecking

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But now I am rechecking my answers."


Mad Cow

One day, 2 cows were in a field together talking and eating grass, when one cow asked the other one, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease sweeping throught town?"

The other cow said "Yep. But why should I care? I'm a tractor!!!"


Super Bowl

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized that his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.

He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed, they young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married, but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."


Drunk Man

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

@


Redneck and The Lawyer

A farmer walks into an attorney's office to file for a divorce...
Attorney: "May I help you??"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"
Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."


The Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


The Letter from College

Dear Dad, 

Hi, How are you and Mom? $chool i$ really great. I am 
making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would 
love to hear from you. 

Love, 
Your $on

@

The Reply

Dear Son, 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy 
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NO
forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and 
you can never study eNOugh.

Your Loving Dad


The Boots

It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, 
Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair 
of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could 
go to lunch.

The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss
Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a 
bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.

To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and
announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting
to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the
boots and straightened her aching back.

Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy 
said I could wear them to school today."



The Raffle & The Mule

In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who
still uses a mule to make a garden. Until he was 72, my father used one and
contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never
needed a hoe for the grass. Well, there was this old man who had been using
a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a
large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer.
Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.

At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had
increased in the last 20 years - mules live a long time. After examining
the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he
concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.
After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old
man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his
purchase, and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.


Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news.
"Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry
to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring
garden."

Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything
about it. Where's the mule now?"

"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him.
Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."

"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as
a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the
truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."

Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later
the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim
working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup
horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world he managed such a
piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a
mule and the mule had died on him.

"Well," Jim explains, "after leaving with the mule, I had this idea and
I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,500 $2 raffle tickets
printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets
to people around town."

"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know. That's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really
made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really. The only one really ticked off was the winner, and I
gave him his money back."



POISONOUS?

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turns to the other and asks:
"Are we poisonous?" 
"Why yes we are", says the second. 
Again the first snake asks "Are you sure we're poisonous?" 
"Yes we are very poisonous."
Again the snake asked "Are we really really poisonous?" 
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?" 
"I just bit my lip!!!"


The Strong Horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"


Me too

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that none will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

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Elephant

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....


To All the "Phenomenal" Women:

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard & directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." Punctuation is everything!

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Aero Engineers and Civil Engineers

Q: What is the difference between Aero Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A: Aero Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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Being A MOM

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes", was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"



Ten secrets to a successful marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested,
"How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread
maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

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Good Deed

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St.
Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is
written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book,
furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do
you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.
It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God,
so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for
the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good
deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this
one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of
biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and
sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this
poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron
out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was
a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to
the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to
get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him
over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I
really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"

"About three minutes ago."

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Volunteer Fire Department"


A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department
could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire
department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be
of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the
middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon
they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze
into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's
work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he
presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're
gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

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Drop the Chalupa

A thin scholarly bespectacled man went into a bar and
announced: "Who owned the German shepherd that
was tied up out here?" A big burly man stood up and
said: "That's my dog. . . Why?"
"I'm very sorry to tell you this, but my dog just killed it,"

the meek man replied.
"That's crazy!" the burly man sneered. "Man, what kind
of dog do you have?" "A Chihuahua," the man answered
sheepishly.
"Shit! You're kiddin' me! I got that dog from the Marines!
He's a trained attack dog! How the hell could that little runt
of yours kill my dog?"
"He got stuck in his throat."

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Karate

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a
watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.
The employee said, "If it's a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."
The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a
little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And
he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips
the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair
in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.
By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out,
"This little thing, a watch dog? No way."
Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my foot!"

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Ponder

A man was walking through a forest pondering life.
He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered.
He felt very close to nature and even close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.
So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more.
He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...
Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars
to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said,
"God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."

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Santa's Bad Day:

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa
was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were
problems everywhere...

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys fast enough so Santa began to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Later that day, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two had
jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked causing the toy bag to fall to the ground and
scatter all the toys.

So, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of
apple cider with a shot of rum. When he went to the
cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of pieces
all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
all the straw from it. Just then the doorbell rang,
and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the
door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of
the Christmas tree!





10 blondes on a rope


There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should
get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would
die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll
get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off,
all of the blondes started clapping.





Provide

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says.
"admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house
for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide
for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the
father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans,
but the good news is he thinks I'm God."






Plane Crash

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super
models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We
have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash
landing, assume the brace position immediately!

The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your
face when we are about to crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for
and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am
putting on my make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which
inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your
senses?

Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to
die?"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue
workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am
exposing my breasts!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love
triangle."
Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: Naomi, are you crazy?
Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Ladies, please!
I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is the BLACK
BOX!





Decent Burial


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your stupid cat."





Bet the Horses


This guy is sitting at home one afternoon watching TV when his wife walks in
and starts beating the crap out of him with a frying pan.

"What the hell are you doing woman?" shouts the guy.

His wife tells him that she was just washing his pants and found a piece of
paper with the name 'Marilyn' written on it.

"No honey, you don't understand" says the man "Marilyn is the name of a
horse I bet on yesterday at the races"

The wife apologizes profusely and goes back to doing her own thing.
Ten minutes later she comes back into the room and again begins beating the
daylights out of her husband.

"What the hell are you doing now?" he asks

"Your horse just called!" answers the wife






Santa's New Contract

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated...
Please read the following carefully ...

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisonsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will
be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.

Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC
cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.

3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen ... when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

5. Ho, Ho, Ho! Has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, I Her'd dat!

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus, sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The last I
heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford
or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town"... This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the south. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for
Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack" and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,

SantaClaus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Thanks!




Johnny (smoking)

A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a
cigarette.

"Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

"How old are you?"

"Six," Johnny says.

"Six? When did you start smoking?"

"Right after the first time I got laid."

"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."




Pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He
asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% might be more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling perfectly fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was
amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic.
They thought the doctor's invention was just great.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.





TICK TOCK

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter.
She notices that there are clocks everywhere.
She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.

St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth
and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second.

St. Peter points to one clock and explains that it's never moved
because it belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole
life.

The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only
told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked off.

Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock
is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Lai Nyok Kem
Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
11/12/1999

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